The battle between surrendering, the soft life, my habit of working 16-hour days, and missing him
Zoë Hart after 5:45 am run. I decided to take pictures since I never shared my round two results.
Today was a battle between 4 sides of me. We were only a few days into the surrendering game, so it was easy to forget how it felt. I fully enjoyed the soft life for at least the last six months so I could go back there with a snap of a finger. The 16-hour workday spanned 30 years of my life and I finally kicked the habit in 2020. And he was all over my subconscious, an energy that was there even when he wasn’t in active focus.
Clearly, this day was a hard day. But, I knew it would be.
It was time to be present with the different parts of me.
It was time to be in the present, yet not run away from the past.
It was time to make a choice about the person that I was going to be and the intention that I had over my life.
It was time to acknowledge that every experience that I had in my life brought me to this moment.
It was time to claim what was mine without stress and anxiety.
It was time to let my heart process at its own pace, but remain hopeful and ful of grace.
It was time to move with source energy along with all the gifts that I had at my disposal.
I woke up with so much anxiety, that i forgot to drink my two glasses of water before I ran on my treadmill. Dehydrated people always, look better in fitness pictures, so I took that as a sign that I needed to do my round 2 fitness results for E2M.
I could tell that my energy was off because the last time I posted fitness pictures, I received hundreds of likes. I was searching for external validation, but it didn’t arrive. I felt irritated with myself because I knew better. I just wanted this to be a cheat so I could manage everything going on inside with the added benefit of feeling awesome. But we all know that we are the source of our feelings, not anyone else. So, at the end of the day, it didn’t help me to post about my results, and I’m not sure if I motivated anyone else to go after their dreams. But, I did follow my intuition on what I thought would be the most helpful, and that’s all any of us can truly do.
Well, it was time to do what the worker-bee wanted. I was so nervous.
After two days of no tasks, today was the first day I had a solid schedule in months. I planned three hours of logistical time to wade through the laundry list of administrative things you must do when running a business.
Eventually, I got up and took a break. I needed to go lay down as I wasn’t feeling my best and didn’t know if I could genuinely surrender. I started feeling like a failure again. Luckily the Universe decided to intercede and have two friends send me texts nearly simultaneously.
After these funny communications, I was able to re-ground myself and get my mind right for my last consultation of the day. At the end of the consultation, the woman told me that she was so honored that a Ph.D. and a CEO would spend time helping her, a stranger, on holiday. She said that I was everything that she was looking for.
I exhaled and saw the lesson. I knew then that I was dealing with growing pains. Sometimes the old you tries to keep you from changing to the new you. Also, you cannot lose anything that rightfully belongs to you.
That night, I recommitted myself to letting go.